Thoughts

To know my desire for this....one must know a little about how I think...

First of all, I am by no means calling myself an angel. Angels were just very prevailent in the evolution of this idea and thus became the image I held onto.

I have always been an idealistic person. As a child you might say I was a constant optimist, a lil Polyanna. I saw the good in everything. I was always able to see the silver lining no matter what the situation. However, along the way, with many realities of life hitting hard as my life moved forward, I began to lose that. I think many people lose that quality, and begin to become "realists" or "pessimists." It is an easy thing to slip into.

The idealist in me however didn't faulter. I have always fought for what I see as right and defended what I believed in. Yes I am a liberal. I fight for free speech, gay rights, and freedoms I believe people should have. So you see, I speak of angels, however I definitely don't fit in the religious fanatic category.

Again I am no angel, I have often joked with my friends that I have had enough happen in my life to fill several Lifetime TV movies of the weeks. I have made good decisions in my life, and I have also made bad decisions in my life. I have helped people, and I have hurt people. I have been homeless, I have been in a home filled with love. I have had many ups and downs in my life.

With all of this, I had begun to become that pessimist. I was beginning to be so used to things going wrong that I started to always duck waiting for that next shoe to drop. I always laughed about it, however it always did feel like a cloud was over my head. I believe I fell so deep into the feeling that something was always going to go wrong that I had come to accept that as my life, and that belief actually played part in perpetuating it.

My life is by no means the way I wish it to be. I have much I still hope will change. I have empty holes in my life which remain to be filled. I still have things go wrong, I still have fears and worries. However, I have changed my attitude. I believe there is a great power in attitude.

Even in the short bit that I have been developing this project and designing the site, and collecting ideas, I have seen the impact it has had upon me. By reaching out of myself,although I am aware of the things in my life that are not so great, or the daily problems that come along, they do not surround me with a heavy weight. By being out of myself and looking towards others and how I can do good, despite what may be going on in my life, I have a strong feeling of being part of more.